I know how to turn my smile on
so you probably can’t tell
But honestly, I’m not doing too well
The truth is, I’ve been thinking about killing myself
And by thinking about
I mean fighting with everything I’ve got
to stop me from killing myself
Anymore, I don’t stand close to sides of mountaintops
And I do my best to shy away from the thoughts
of inadequacy and suffocation
that cause me to want to throw myself from the side of a mountain out of desperation
But how do you tell your niece and nephews
let alone admit
that some days the thought of them
is the only thing keeping you
from calling it quits
Because boxing the big black dog is about to end with a knockout
stemming from distortion and doubt
I refuse to write a letter that I keep hidden in my desk
because I know that’d be the last thing left
to do
before I followed through
I’ve decided I’m turning my thorn into a chisel
and giving up control
And turning my attention
to a presentable revival
Because there’s no testimony without a test
so I’m doing my best
to deliberately be made better
through this suffer fest
And I’m still just trying to keep my head above the water
and a step ahead of the shadows that follow
Because most nights I still find myself on the floor
weeping, wondering why, what for
But now I know that this pain has a purpose
And I keep my eyes on that truth as I continue to drift into the abyss
Because maybe the reason I’m going through all this
is just so I could say this:
If that’s you
come alongside me
we’ll walk through this valley
together, tethered
knowing that it gets better.
Jared Iler // Creative Director at Humbled Daily